I've been back and forth on the whole "moving back to Santa Fe" thing. Part of me knows this is the wrong time of year to be making a decision, because it's my favorite time of year in Santa Fe: that time between the Burning of Zozobra and Christmas Eve on Canyon Road.
I've been talking a great deal about making it work here, about making the apartment more "livable", more permanent. I've thought about larger, heavier furniture, and I've started changing some things around with the idea of making it more what I want. What I've noticed is that I'm choosing lighter, more mobile furniture. Even when I thought about getting things to fit specifically here, I ultimately choose things that are easier to move.
Moving again fills me with dread. I've done it so many times, often with very little planning, or plans that had to change last minute. "Resiliency" was pretty much my middle name. I could adapt, bounce back, make it work. I think aging brings a certain loss of resiliency. I am not bouncing back from this move, a move that I made for my health, with full knowledge that this particular apartment complex is not where I wanted to be. I didn't miss Santa Fe quite so much when I was in Petaluma.
One of the things that frightens me is the idea of being "alone". Ellen's death has definitely thrown me for a loop, because I no longer have any sense of security as I age out. Last night's "kidney stone adventure" left me realizing that I'm pretty much going to have to handle it all alone regardless of where I am, and the idea that I've moved here to be closer to the hospital only reinforces the idea that I should go to the hospital for everything, rather than trying to handle some of this basic stuff at home. I don't do that. But it is the idea that my daughter would not have the option to help out with her presence is something that worries me, even though she isn't available to help out on the times I do call, unless I'm on the way to the ER. Honestly, she is under enough stress in her own life that I hate to call her anyway, and she certainly doesn't want to talk about preparing for my long-term future, when it could be so far off.
Right now I'm asking myself, is it any different now that in would be if I were 1500 miles away?
I'm really kind of sick of doctors telling me to do this or that or I'm going to die. Obviously, none of the many little things that have shown up on past imaging studies and bloodwork have not been fatal. Some of them have impacted my life very little. For a couple years, the payoff in terms of medical bills was tangible. Multiple ER visits and lithotripsies would have financially crippled me in New Mexico. However now it seems that the costs of living here... that is to say the financial cost... is starting to rival the cost of living in Santa Fe, when you count in medical bills. The emotional cost has become almost overwhelming.
One of the things that frightens me is the idea of being "alone". Ellen's death has definitely thrown me for a loop, because I no longer have any sense of security as I age out. Last night's "kidney stone adventure" left me realizing that I'm pretty much going to have to handle it all alone regardless of where I am, and the idea that I've moved here to be closer to the hospital only reinforces the idea that I should go to the hospital for everything, rather than trying to handle some of this basic stuff at home. I don't do that. But it is the idea that my daughter would not have the option to help out with her presence is something that worries me, even though she isn't available to help out on the times I do call, unless I'm on the way to the ER. Honestly, she is under enough stress in her own life that I hate to call her anyway, and she certainly doesn't want to talk about preparing for my long-term future, when it could be so far off.
Right now I'm asking myself, is it any different now that in would be if I were 1500 miles away?
I'm really kind of sick of doctors telling me to do this or that or I'm going to die. Obviously, none of the many little things that have shown up on past imaging studies and bloodwork have not been fatal. Some of them have impacted my life very little. For a couple years, the payoff in terms of medical bills was tangible. Multiple ER visits and lithotripsies would have financially crippled me in New Mexico. However now it seems that the costs of living here... that is to say the financial cost... is starting to rival the cost of living in Santa Fe, when you count in medical bills. The emotional cost has become almost overwhelming.
And this morning I find myself asking myself, "Would I rather live somewhere I would be miserable for the next 20-25 years in order to feel more secure in the event that I ever need nursing care and want to maximize my happiness in my final few years? Or would I rather live someplace I love for 20-25 years and take the chance of end-of-life misery?"
I am increasingly feeling like I can't have my cake and eat it too, when it comes to this. I know I can't enjoy all California has to offer anymore. The free stuff I loved (the tidepools, walking exploration of the parks) is no longer physically possible. The increased gas and food cost has made it difficult to go to things I can handle physically (like paint nights, festivals, and community events) Bus schedules have been cut, so going by bus is also increasingly difficult and time consuming. I rely more and more on the community in the apartment complex, which is rather problematic for a number of reasons.
I am sure other older people face these same issues and have these same problems. I'm also aware of how little we talk about it online, because we don't want to be a Debbie Downer, and we always love to paint some glowing, idealistic portrait of our lives. But I think that maybe talking about it all, about the problems surrounding aging and economic insecurity, we maybe can all feel a little less alone as we navigate (or struggle) through this time in our lives when we realize that there's a heck of a lot more time behind us than in front of us.
I am increasingly feeling like I can't have my cake and eat it too, when it comes to this. I know I can't enjoy all California has to offer anymore. The free stuff I loved (the tidepools, walking exploration of the parks) is no longer physically possible. The increased gas and food cost has made it difficult to go to things I can handle physically (like paint nights, festivals, and community events) Bus schedules have been cut, so going by bus is also increasingly difficult and time consuming. I rely more and more on the community in the apartment complex, which is rather problematic for a number of reasons.
I am sure other older people face these same issues and have these same problems. I'm also aware of how little we talk about it online, because we don't want to be a Debbie Downer, and we always love to paint some glowing, idealistic portrait of our lives. But I think that maybe talking about it all, about the problems surrounding aging and economic insecurity, we maybe can all feel a little less alone as we navigate (or struggle) through this time in our lives when we realize that there's a heck of a lot more time behind us than in front of us.
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