Sunday, August 31, 2014

but no photos

Today I went out to El Rancho de los Golondrinas to volunteer at the Fiesta de los Ninos and Summer Festival.  I spent the day spinning, which was relaxing for me.  I didn't see a lot of the festival, something that will be corrected in the next two festivals, and honestly? I wasn't really up to it anyway.  These past couple weeks I've been kinda struggling with ups and downs.  I've been walking a lot (my car is out of commission) but my blood sugar's been fluctuating like crazy, making for some pretty iffy times.  The other part of all this is lack of energy.  Sleep's been bad, so all that walking (and spinning) really takes it out of me.

No photos of the event today, since I really didn't leave my bench and my spinning wheel until it was time to go, at which point I stopped to say "hi" to the Zoo to You Docents (whom I used to work with a lot) and go see some of the animals ( Sidney the rainbow lorikeet, Calloway the three banded armadillo, and an alligator that wasn't my old buddy Apollo, who'd gotten to big for the program).

I felt a little nostalgic for the old van and the statewide travel.

The next festival is in 3 weeks, and it's our BIGGEST festival, the Renaissance Fair  and once again I'm afraid I'll be going without the fabulous costume I've planned (but never saved up the money to make).  At least by then my car will be running again, which is a much better use of money.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

not the best of friends

We're not the best of friends.  Maybe I'm not the best of friends.  It seems all my old friends have either died, or live 1000 miles away. Literally.  No. LITERALLY.  It seems all my new friendships are developing and tenuous.

You see, I'm a bummer.

You've invited me to gallery openings in the evening.  I'd love to.  But my car is currently out of commission, and I know my apartment is out of your way.  Not only that, but we both know that sometimes by evening I'm pretty much out of "spoons", and rather than chatting up fellow artists, I'm kinda gritting my teeth wondering how much longer I'll physically be able to stand upright, passing on the champagne because with my health conditions even a quarter of a glass could have me on the floor in a corner snoozing away.  You also don't like that I have to excuse myself to test my blood sugar.

You've asked me to join a meet up of friends over dinner at a nice restaurant... one that's not "too expensive."  I have $3 in my bank account at that point, and I pretend I have another engagement.

I love to go for walks in the woods, but can't keep up with your hikes... or your 5Ks... or your bike rides.

Sometimes when we talk, especially when my sugar drops, I may stutter or lose my words.  There are times I even forget whether Peter Davidson was the 5th or 6th Doctor (Who).  I may repeat myself, which is a pretty sure sign that things are going wrong with my health.  That doesn't mean that every time I misspeak I'm having a hypoglycemic episode.  You misspeak on occasion.  Everyone does.  I know it annoys you, and it annoys me when you're patronizing.

You don't understand why I don't dress up, why I don't fit in.  Well, take today for example.  Even if I could make it out to a classy event, I either (a) wouldn't, or (b) would dress down, because the ONLY shoes I can get on my swollen feet are my walking sandals, and they aren't exactly fashion forward.  They'd look ridiculous with just about anything other than jeans.

Why won't I eat what you're eating, drink what you're drinking?  Well, it's because different chronic conditions and surgeries have pretty well trashed my digestive system, and some days I can eat things and others I can't, depending on how well my pancreas is operating, whether or not I've been having episodes of gastroparesis, and my general health.  And yes, sometimes I eat things that are risky for me because I miss the taste of apple pie, or because I hope I can handle it that day or because I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb and will deal with the consequences later.

You don't know what it's like to be unable to follow a conversation because the worry that I'll pass out (or pass gas) is so prevalent in my mind or that you're simply trying to not let anyone know that at the moment I'm in excruciating pain, because I'm don't want to interrupt your good time.  You don't understand how I can smile through an exercise dance class then limp out.    Or that there are times I'm with you in absolute terror that I'll either need to go home... or worse, that it will be bad enough that I'll need the paramedics.

You would NEVER say the reason we're not closer is that I'm poor and sick.  But because I'm poor and sick, you don't want to be too involved, don't want to get too close, and, in many cases, just don't have the opportunity to get to know me.

You don't know that I'm a geek, that I love horses and used to have one (his name was Spot). You don't know that my favorite artists are Monet and Van Gogh (you think, perhaps, it's Matisse).  You don't know I love Bollywood romance musicals, that my favorite novel is Traveling with Pomegranates, that I miss the old, more filk-style songs of Ookla the Mok.

We likely won't get close enough for you to know those things.

So Friday is the burning of Zorzobra, and I won't go.  This weekend is Fiesta de los Ninos, and I'm not sure if I'm going.  Today I'm sitting home alone.  Maybe I'll jam some shoes on my swollen feet and go to the college and spend some time in the warm water pool.  I may even chat with someone I've just met, and we may find we have things in common, and will never see each other again.

You don't want a friend who can't keep up, who would be a drain on your energy.  I don't want to be a burden.

That doesn't mean I don't need friendship and personal connections.  It just means it's pretty damn hard for me to get those things in my life.