Today I turned down an apartment in the complex I used to live in in Santa Fe, the one I'd always intended to go back to. When I think of home, I think of New Mexico, even though I was born and raised in Western NY. I've been struggling with the knowledge that it's better for me to be here, because I have full health coverage here and not there, and I'm not getting any younger.
I was wondering what it was about New Mexico. Certainly other places I've lived have had beautiful wild spaces and parks, good schools, great places to eat, fun fairs and festivals, and rewarding places to volunteer. But I couldn't put my finger on why I was struggling so much when it comes to feeling at home in Northern California, and tonight it hit me.
I've lived in a lot of places. I've lived in Western NY and Southern CA and Central Georgia and on the Gulf Coast of Florida. I've lived near Dallas Texas and I've lived in Northern CA... and of course New Mexico. I've lived in places because I married someone from there, because I was offered a good job there, because I was divorced and wanted to leave there, because my child got better medical care there, because I couldn't afford to live in the other place any more, because I was diagnosed with a potentially fatal condition, because I had better health insurance there, because because because...
And at only one time and place in my life was I there just because when I'd been there before I loved it, and it just felt good to be there: New Mexico. There wasn't a lot of calculation in going to New Mexico. I could go pretty much anywhere. I'd recently found out that the tumors were benign, and although my other conditions would limit my mobility and ability to continue to work, I was getting some back Social Security and a new lease on life. I could go someplace simply because I loved the place.
I've always said we have feet, not roots, and if the growing conditions aren't right, we don't have to shrivel up and die, we can move to where things are better. Better is a relative term. And things that are better in one way aren't always better in all ways.
I know I have the medical care and health insurance I need here. I have fairly inexpensive utility costs due to government programing, and access to reduced price park passes, free train service, and reduced bus fare that I don't get in New Mexico. Food costs a lot more. So does gas. But when I weigh it all with logic, Northern California is absolutely the place to be. But when I weigh it with my heart...
I've always been pretty critical of the Abundance movement and Gratitude practices, but honestly, I can see where, in this situation, they may be useful. Because I have a lot here to love, to be grateful for, to enjoy. Can my heart follow my head? Can it see what I have here in a way that makes me WANT to be here, not HAVE to be here because it's the logical choice? I think that's going to take some work, and some softening in myself.
Today I'm trying to focus on my friends in Petaluma, and the upcoming Railroad Square Music Festival, and goats (IDKY I get such a kick out of goats!) and the summer whale watch trip we have planned. My heart rebels against my head in all of this, but has to admit, there are good things here as well, and that when I'm in the High Desert I also miss the sea.
I just have to let myself love this place. I don't quite know how to do that just yet.
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