Sitting here on my couch this morning, looking over at the tree and the small pile of gifts that have already accumulated under it, I've once again found myself mourning the loss of the joys of Christmas that I've come to crave at this time of year. This year has been especially challenging because I haven't done any of the free festivals and events I've put on my calendar because of the pain, and I haven't made biscochitos, and I haven't watched a whole lot of Hallmark Christmas specials. But I think what made Christmas special for me wasn't the day, but the lead-up: all the baking, planning, running around... all the things I thought were too stressful and I was better off without. Yet I think all that planning and doing is what made that day, waking up Christmas morning and saying "this is it. This is the pinnacle, what I've worked all season for" and having that moment of joy and accomplishment and fulfilment.
The closest I've come to Christmas so far this year was finally finding the Sarah Lee Butter Coffee Cake in the freezer section of our local Safeway, after searching for it for literally years. I still can't find the pecan, but that's my Holy Grail of Christmas breakfast.
It really is the little things leading up to Christmas that makes the holiday for me. If there is no advent (or little lent) there is no Christmas for me, and in my quest to make Christmas less stressful and now less physically demanding, I've lost that sense of building up to something spectacular. I hate to put it this way, but I've stopped doing the foreplay to Christmas, and still expect that explosion of delight.
Being alone for the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I feel like I'm just going through the motions with the things I do do: Decorating on Thanksgiving afternoon when Santa appears on the Macy's Parade. Watching The Muppet's Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve. These (and Sarah Lee Coffee Cake Christmas breakfast) are shared traditions we've created in the family, which still feel important but don't pack quite the wallop of joy when done alone.
For me, not being a Christian, Christmas (or Yule) is all about family, I know it's something seniors increasingly face, even those with large families, because families are more scattered geographically these days than they were in the past, and because there are so many demands on young people's time (especially when it comes to work in this stressful economy!). The days of going everywhere and doing everything with my kids are long over, and at Christmas time especially, that makes for a sense of loss and loneliness.
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