Age + Blog

I started this particular blog in 2006. 17 years ago. If it were a person, it'd be on the cusp of adulthood. For me, it's the difference between being 40 something and 60 something. I've gained and lost mobility, weight, and homes during that time.  I've moved 10 times. I've had about 6 different volunteer positions. I've lost a child. I've gained grandchildren. 

But the biggest thing for me is that I've gotten old. I'm not going to be one of those who runs a marathon at 90.  Some days, between the arthritis and the tendonitis, I can't walk without severe pain. I use orthotic insoles to keep any ability to walk, but they do not allow me to continue to hike or tide pool.  I wear a splint on my left hand and will either wear it forever or require surgery. 

Once upon a time I wrote a blog post about how I photograph everything and blog all my trips because I worry that the day will come when I won't be able to do any of it.  At that point, I had a Lupus diagnosis.  Now the doctors say "it's not Lupus", and attribute it all to age (even though the arthritis came at such and early age, and the skin problems remain undiagnosed) It really no longer matters what it is. It just is and it's an increasing part of my life.

My "hiking" is now restricted to flat, well-maintained trails, more ambling walks than hikes.  I won't be doing much ceramic work with one hand in a splint.  And I am changing my apartment around once again to create a space where I can sketch or paint, since I really want to do something other than sit here and scroll Facebook Reels.

I am not unhappy right now, although I am struggling.  I had the idea to go to the Bodega Marine Lab and sign up as a docent, because walking is indoors, but I don't know if it's something I can do or want to do at this point.  I don't want to feel like I'm giving up, but I do want to do things that are more comfortable for me now. Maybe this is what retirement feels like. 

I've been dabbling in the idea of working more with fiber, but that involves using both hands.  For a while I had a blog called Crone's Cottage, where I was going to post work I was doing with natural and reclaimed fibers... which never really got off the ground. I haven't found my niche yet as a crone.

Today I have two events on my calendar: a wildfire evacuation/ preparation fair, and a Pacific Island festival.  I am not sure if I'm going to either of them.  I find myself less and less interested in going places where there are crowds, and going places alone.  It all makes for a damn boring blog.

I've also had less interest in a lot of what I've been doing as a volunteer here, probably in part because so many of the places are now inaccessible to me. I have no desire to learn more about the aquatic life in Northern CA, and while I've tried to get excited about the Redwoods, I'm really not terribly interested in learning to identify the plants, or understand the history of logging in Northern CA.  What I am interested in is the peaceful calm I feel under the big trees, which rivals the feeling I have being out on the ocean for a whale watching trip, minus the recently developed motion sickness.

There's a second part to all of this, which probably needs a second blog post because this one will get to long, about my desire to go back to New Mexico. A lot of what I found joyful about California feels lost to me, and now it's just about the medical.  But is the cost of living here going to outweigh the savings on medical care?