Don't turn away. Keep your eye on the bandaged place. That is where the light enters you.
~~Rumi~~
Today I'm sitting here, still in my coat, my bags still packed for my first field day with the seabird monitoring volunteers. I actually started driving, despite the pain in my side, then realized should I need an ambulance today, they would have to make it up the curved road, over the partially paved road, and somehow get the gurney down the trail, about a 12 minute walk, to where I'd be.
I had already decided to leave whale watch, but also considered staying on with the tide pool program, but that would be even worse: having to get the gurney down the bluff, over the sand, out on the intertidal rocks... they'd have to airlift me out if I were in the tidepools if it happened there.
I was supposed to have my renal ultrasound weeks ago, but I have another week before they can tell me if the stones are too big to pass, if the production of stones has increased, decreased, or remains the same. If I will be in the hospital more often than my nearly annual trip to the ER, or if it will be more frequent, or less. The radiology department has been booked with people who had put off their imaging studies during the COVID surge. It is not a luxury I would have had, considering it was only three months ago when I was in for my last procedure.
This month I also find out if my eye problem is degenerative.
I'm not sure how much of this is related to my auto immune issues, or if it's just a number of things going wrong all at once. If some of it is age, or genetics, or... the thing is, it really doesn't matter, because whatever it is, it is.
Today all I know is that I hurt... physically suffering kidney pain, emotionally suffering having just quit all my volunteer positions in the Coastal Park.
I know there are other things I can do in places ambulances can get to, should it come to that. And I have so much gratitude for having been to some of the places I've been on the coast. But today I realize that there are paths that are safer and paths that are less safe, but literally and in my life choices. Right now wildflowers from wide paths near cities are preferable, and last night's rain may have encouraged some lovely displays in the local parks.
I can find something different. I know there is light there. I just have to look with an open heart.
I had already decided to leave whale watch, but also considered staying on with the tide pool program, but that would be even worse: having to get the gurney down the bluff, over the sand, out on the intertidal rocks... they'd have to airlift me out if I were in the tidepools if it happened there.
I was supposed to have my renal ultrasound weeks ago, but I have another week before they can tell me if the stones are too big to pass, if the production of stones has increased, decreased, or remains the same. If I will be in the hospital more often than my nearly annual trip to the ER, or if it will be more frequent, or less. The radiology department has been booked with people who had put off their imaging studies during the COVID surge. It is not a luxury I would have had, considering it was only three months ago when I was in for my last procedure.
This month I also find out if my eye problem is degenerative.
I'm not sure how much of this is related to my auto immune issues, or if it's just a number of things going wrong all at once. If some of it is age, or genetics, or... the thing is, it really doesn't matter, because whatever it is, it is.
Today all I know is that I hurt... physically suffering kidney pain, emotionally suffering having just quit all my volunteer positions in the Coastal Park.
I know there are other things I can do in places ambulances can get to, should it come to that. And I have so much gratitude for having been to some of the places I've been on the coast. But today I realize that there are paths that are safer and paths that are less safe, but literally and in my life choices. Right now wildflowers from wide paths near cities are preferable, and last night's rain may have encouraged some lovely displays in the local parks.
I can find something different. I know there is light there. I just have to look with an open heart.
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