Gratitude in The Winter of our Discontent

     My Christmas Cactus has become a metaphor for me of my growing awareness and gratitude.  When I first got this cactus, a gift from a neighbor in Petaluma, it was a mere 6 inch "y" shaped cutting, and I had little expectation of it growing, and even less expectation of it blooming.  It bloomed when still a young cutting last year, and this year it promises an even better display.  I can't wait to see what it has for me in years to come.  
     I feel as though I'm coming from such a small cutting in my life, despite having most of it behind me.  Having spent most of my life suppressing my own feelings in order to try to address the needs of others, I now find that that particular method of dealing with people is a barrier to true intimacy and friendship.
     I feel like I am blooming this Christmas. It is not always a pleasant feeling.;

Today I got up early, hopped in the shower, and ugly cried. 

It wasn't a sad ugly cry, more of a release of emotion that has been so pent up.  I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep (caused by the pain in my leg) or the ending of the crisis relating to my daughter's death, or the thought of a rapid and stressful move, but I am less able to control my tears these days, something I've been very proud of being able to do in the past.

And I was crying with gratitude.

Gratitude for Cailin and Patrick, who have welcomed my return to Petaluma, and whom I know will be helping me unload the truck, and be there for me in the years to come.

Gratitude for Carlos, who has offered his aid and support as I go through the current medical problems with my hand and knee, and who has helped financially.

Gratitude to my new friends at OCUU for welcoming me, for making me part of the group, and for being friends and a listening ear, and especially to Barbara who has been a particularly good friend in gently pushing me into the online social situations which have been my lifeline here in Orange County.

Gratitude for friends old and new at UULB for welcoming me back, and for giving me hope just by being the ethnically and generationally diverse and gender accepting community it is, and especially to the members of Words of Our Own for being the twice monthly outlet for my word-crafting.  

Gratitude to Ann, who was the first (and so far only) person to donate to my GoFundMe campaign to finance the move.

Gratitude to Mina, who is at least looking into waiving the early termination fee on my lease.

Gratitude to Maggie, who has offered me this available apartment when the repairs are complete and it's ready to rent.

Back on Thanksgiving, I wrote a little about the difficulties of the time, and how the support and love of others at difficult times are the things that we should keep in mind when everything else feels so awful.  I wrote that in very general terms, but today those feelings have come into full bloom, and have also become very specific as I am increasingly aware of the specifics of those blessings.