 Ellen at the Gulf Specimen Lab |
On Sept 16, I was still screaming on the inside, an insane urgency that belied my determined exterior. And I drove until I literally tore the inside of my knee apart on the gas pedal and the brake. And now it looks like that's an injury that will cause physical pain and mobility loss for a very long time.
Still, being in Florida, I had work to do. Anyone who knows me well knows work mode, where I pretty much blindly go about doing what needs to be done, oblivious to everything else, often including my own needs. Certainly I was stubbornly ignoring my own grief, because stuff needed doing.
Now that I'm sitting here in Southern California, where there are whales and tide pools and two churches I love... where the weather is perfect and I can shop at my favorite thrift store and grocery stores... where there are next to no fleas to plague Cinnamon... and where I am close enough to scent the ocean breeze every day.... where there are more medical care options, more health insurance options, more doctors... well, suddenly this paradise seems less than ideal.
I am 8 hours or more away from family. That's a long way when it's hard to walk, when you've suddenly been smacked in the face with mortality, and when you just really need someone to be there.
And I guess this is where the learning part comes in.
Since the early 80s I've rebelled against platitudes like "Home is Where the Heart Is" and "Bloom Where You are Planted". I'd experienced some rough times and knew that we have feet for a reason. And we have reason for a reason. And at times, it was more than reasonable to leave. I wasn't foolish enough to think that any place was perfect, but I could get closer to perfect.
Perfect was an algorithm I could plug in. There were set criteria that had to do with things like diversity of population (measured by ethnic restaurants) and crime rate and distance to shopping, medical facilities, and green spaces. There was the nearness to rocky shores (beaches don't count on my scale) or mountains. There was the class offerings of local community colleges and the cost of those classes. And while Southern California and (surprisingly, since it has SO much that overcomes the ocean factor) Santa Fe come pretty close to my ideal places to live by those measures, my priorities have shifted.
I realize I have to compromise more. And there are things I don't like that I'm going to have to deal with, although I don't have to accept them. Because some of the things I've attached a great deal of importance to hasn't really helped me at all. Having more health care options hasn't made me healthier. Having a choice of doctors hasn't given me more access to health care. Being near the ocean hasn't increased the time I spend in coastal exploration (in fact, it's decreased, because I do not feel safe going alone with mobility issues) nor has the time I've spent exploring parks and other green spaces increased (for the same reason). And the more important thing, being near family, is something I never factored into the equations before.
But I'm doing it now. Because I've learned that I have to compromise more. Be more patient. To live with a certain amount of discomfort. And I've learned that home is where the heart is.
I am 8 hours or more away from family. That's a long way when it's hard to walk, when you've suddenly been smacked in the face with mortality, and when you just really need someone to be there.
And I guess this is where the learning part comes in.
Since the early 80s I've rebelled against platitudes like "Home is Where the Heart Is" and "Bloom Where You are Planted". I'd experienced some rough times and knew that we have feet for a reason. And we have reason for a reason. And at times, it was more than reasonable to leave. I wasn't foolish enough to think that any place was perfect, but I could get closer to perfect.
Perfect was an algorithm I could plug in. There were set criteria that had to do with things like diversity of population (measured by ethnic restaurants) and crime rate and distance to shopping, medical facilities, and green spaces. There was the nearness to rocky shores (beaches don't count on my scale) or mountains. There was the class offerings of local community colleges and the cost of those classes. And while Southern California and (surprisingly, since it has SO much that overcomes the ocean factor) Santa Fe come pretty close to my ideal places to live by those measures, my priorities have shifted.
I realize I have to compromise more. And there are things I don't like that I'm going to have to deal with, although I don't have to accept them. Because some of the things I've attached a great deal of importance to hasn't really helped me at all. Having more health care options hasn't made me healthier. Having a choice of doctors hasn't given me more access to health care. Being near the ocean hasn't increased the time I spend in coastal exploration (in fact, it's decreased, because I do not feel safe going alone with mobility issues) nor has the time I've spent exploring parks and other green spaces increased (for the same reason). And the more important thing, being near family, is something I never factored into the equations before.
But I'm doing it now. Because I've learned that I have to compromise more. Be more patient. To live with a certain amount of discomfort. And I've learned that home is where the heart is.
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