Friendship in the time of Civil Unrest

 

Britannica online has this definition of friendship: 

Friendship, a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people.

I think that's a pretty good definition.  It lists, pretty well, the elements of friendship. 

Recently a lot of my friends are once again bemoaning the loss of friends over politics in the wake of Wednesday's insurrection.  I find myself a little surprised that this is problematic for them, and at the same time, I can understand how they mourn for a friendship they thought they had... but didn't. 

For friendship to exist, all of those components must be present.  Yet how much intimacy do you have with a person if you don't know that he/she/them hates everyone who isn't white?  How much esteem do they have for you if they don't recognize your marriage to your same-sex partner?  How much trust can you have when the group they belong to and pledge themselves to have vowed to "exterminate" all of the members of your group?

We love to excuse people we imagine ourselves to love.  Yet the people we love are not the people who exist.  We want people to match up with the image of them we've created in our minds, the ones we are truly attached to, and when they don't, we find ourselves shocked and saddened.

The whole thing reminds me of the story of the viper and the woman:

A woman was walking in the cold winter and saw a viper nearly motionless from the cold. 

"Pick me up," pleaded the viper, "and keep me warm inside your cloak, because otherwise I'll die"

"No," replied the woman, "Because you're a viper, and you'll bite me, and I'll die"

"Have compassion!" cried the viper.  "I would never harm you! I would never harm someone who is kind to me!"

The woman was skeptical, but the vipers pleads and promises mollified her, and full of compassion, she picked up the serpent and place it inside her cloak, against her skin, at her bosom.  Soon the snake began to stir and show signs of life.  The woman was filled with joy at the snake's recovery, but at that instant, she felt the sting of it's fangs.

"You said you'd never hurt me," she whimpered as she fell to the ground.

The snake looked at her scornfully. "You knew what I was when you picked me up." 

We don't always know what people are when we pick them up, but when they tell us or show us who they are, we need to believe them.

As progressives and liberals, we're often told we need to "stand in the gap"... to reach across between both sides of a disagreement and find common ground.  To compromise.  But there can be no compromise with injustice, with hate, with evil. There is no compromise between "all are created equal" and "there are some people who are born better than others", because to compromise is to cause harm.  Sometimes ideologies are by their nature so polarized that they are truly black or white, and that shades of grey simply don't exist.  During the civil war, for example, there was no compromise that you could own just a few slaves.

Once again in our history as a nation, we're talking about the right to exist as free persons. The rights of women, members of the LGBTQ community, Blacks, Hispanics, Jews... anyone who isn't W.A.S.P. is challenged by the very vocal extremism of Trump and his followers. You cannot say you love your fellow man and follow Trump without hypocrisy. You cannot say you are a good Christian if you are marching in step with people who want to subjugate everyone who isn't a member of your demographic.  By the fruits, you know the tree. 

And when your "friend" says they support Trump and the insurrection, you know what they are.  They're a snake.  Holding them close to your heart can only endanger you. 

 True friends, friends who share trust and esteem and affection and intimacy, are vital during this time.  We need each other more than ever. The nation may be fractured, but we support and love available in those who share certain key values.  That's not to undermine diversity, but there are some areas where we cannot disagree, and those are basic moral, human values.  

Rather than try to hold on to (or save) the vipers in our path, we should be seeking out those who share our path, and who wish to walk hand in hand into a more loving future.  

We will never be short of vipers in our lives... ever... and we aren't interested in their extermination, but we do not need to let them poison us in our desire for connection.